Things that move us, one way or the other.

I went for a ride

The world is an irksome place right now. The United States is just crawling with low intelligence high volume morons who seem to be upset that they aren’t allowed to rob, steal, rape and plunder at their leisure. As of this time, it is still unlawful for good, upstanding citizens to drop these miscreants on sight, so I did the only thing I could do.

I dropped the top and went for a ride.

The best therapy is convertible therapy.

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Hair!

During my escapades of traveling the world I found the perfect gadget for my furball problems. For those of you who are not familiar with me, I am a furry beast. I live with many furry beasts. Not the dress up like a furry animal for sexual delight kind of furry, rather we (myself and the creatures who live in this shack) are all very hairy.

Due to all the hair in this tenement I have already posted about a great gadget for my hair clogged drains. Today is about another little gadget for all the hair on my clothes! I didn’t realize how much hair was on my clothes and my laundry until I was using a hand towel in a hotel. I was using said towel and noticed I wasn’t dodging hair on the hand towel to put my contact lenses in. That’s when I realized the hair issue has gotten out of control in my shedio.

While in Malaysia I found this little product. I didn’t realize hair was such a global issue since that isn’t discussed on the world news. I guess the news doesn’t report everything and they really do focus on what they want to report (go figure). I don’t know the name of this product so I will call it “Hair Catching Thingy”. This gadget is some type of foam flower attached to a little net. It works with a top loader washing machine only. The foam flower floats around catching all the hair, miscellaneous trash, and anything else that floats on the top of the water while laundering. I know, you are wondering what trash is in my laundry. Hey when laundering fake money some of the paper isn’t the best and comes apart aka trash. I decided to test it out and my first few times weren’t successful.

I decided to see if it really works and put the dog’s blanket in the washer. I also put my laundry machine on a different setting as I have one of those new water saving laundry machines. I was able to get a little more water in the machine thus allowing the flower to float on the water. On a side note, I hate the water saving laundry machine.

Wow was that dog blanket full of hair! So I would say the product works if you have enough water to allow this gadget to float.

On a side note there are a few nifty things you should know about this product, not only does it catch hair but in the event of a flood, the little net will work as a fishing net. The fish will be little so you might have to catch 350 tiny fish in order to get a real meal. The warning label reads not to eat the foam with tide pods as it will become explosive in your smaller intestine. I’m not really sure how they concluded that it makes it to one’s small intestine before it explodes but I will not be experimenting with tide pods anytime soon. The warning also reads it is not a flotation device, instead in the event of a flooding emergency grab a lemon or lime.

The hair catcher 5000 comes in blue and pink. This is what it looks like. 


This is an example of it not working.  Only one hair!

Today I am successful.

There are a few things I do well and a lot of things I don’t.  Today was a success in my book. I usually think I fail at living, after reflecting on this, I am currently breathing and my heart is pumping  which means I do not fail at living.

Home improvement on the other hand is something I’m generally not good at. With my current state of mind of reducing my carbon footprint on the planet I decided to go green, well yellow.  ( I will explain later.)  For those of you who don’t know I’m a bit of a hairy beast.  I also have thing one and thing two that are also hairy beasts.  We all use the shower/bathtub, which means the drain gets clogged regularly.  This week, or the past 5 but who is counting, the bathtub drain has been clogged and today was the day I battled it out with the hairy beast below the bathtub.

Usually I would purchase a bottle of Draino pour it down the drain, impatiently wait the 15-30 minutes as recommended by the directions, and flush with water until the clog was washed away. When I tell people I do this I’m always told how terrible the bottle of chemicals are for my pipes and no one ever seems to care that I’m dumping a bottle of chemicals into the environment.  Today  I decided not to purchase the bottle of chemicals and go with something a little better for the environment.  I purchased the Cobra zip it drain cleaner which is very yellow.  I would have linked you to the website but I couldn’t find one for that particular brand so google it yourself if you must know what I am referring to.  This is a little plastic stick with little teeth sticking out of the bottom part of the stick.

I inspected the little stick a little more closely I felt like I had been dupped and had wasted my money.  How is this little piece of plastic going to do anything?  Won’t this get stuck in my drain?  These are just a few things I thought to myself.

Home improvement projects make me a little anxious for unknown reasons.  I took a deep breath and put on my rubber gloves.  Yes I have to hype myself up to face this slimy monster in my drain.  I thought of some slimy thing coming up out of the drain to get me.  Wait, where have I had that thought before?

That’s right Ghostbusters 2.  Laughing at myself I head to the bathroom, gloves donned and holding my little plastic sword ready to fight whatever evil hairy slimy monster that lurks in the bathtub drain.  I also am hoping this works and the little plastic sword doesn’t get stuck in the drain.  How embarrassing would that be having to call a plumber for that!  That would suck.

I started easing the plastic wand into the drain and surprisingly the little teeth were sharper than I expected. It went in easier than I expected. (I hear you snickering you dirty minded fuckers.)  I pulled it out and yes it was gross.  Grosser than I had anticipated.  I also didn’t anticipate that the hair was around the top of the drain. Also, it was not as much hair as I had expected.  With all that said, I did it!  I was so happy I did a little dance.  Beast thing one and two did a little dance too.

And no I didn’t get grossed out like in the following video.  Skip to a little before 1:00 because really who wants to hear all his talking.

UPDATE:  I must say this little gadget must work wonders as I haven’t had to use it again.  That or I punctured the drain pipe and my shower water is going to the downstairs apartment.  If that is the case, I’m ok with that as the man in 211 is a jerk and he deserves a leak in his apartment!

Recycling Poo Paper?

I happened across this article earlier today, and this evening I’m still confused as to why we are going backwards.

I didn’t read the entire article because I’m not that invested in it and I don’t care.  The argument for me to start recycling toilet paper would have to involve a lot of money in my bank account (not including the savings I would have from not buying toilet paper of course).

I don’t get it.  Years ago there was a little rag that people would hang in the outhouses and that was your toilet paper and you had your own rag.  I suspect that people used another person’s “cleaner” rag as to save their own but that’s only a suspicion I have.  I digress.

Toilet paper is designed to break down and dissolve very easily.  I have come across a bidet and I found it confusing.  (That’s a story for another day.)

How many of you would give up your toilet paper and go back to the rag?

 

On a different note, I did find the Wikipedia article regarding toilet paper an interesting read.  I don’t think I could wipe with sand though, the idea of that made me cringe a little.

Happy Pooping!

 

 

You Fuckers are NOT helping me.

Now look here. I have ASKED for help and exactly none of you people have intervened in any way, shape or form. No one has hidden my wallet, no one has cut up my credit cards, no one has even sent me a strongly worded telegram. Hell, one of you (and I won’t mention any names, but her initials are Cocoa Black) even told me to get whatever I wanted.

So there’s this guy I ran across about a year ago, his name is John Backlund and he is an industrial designer with a taste for retro and the Jetsons. You can already tell I’m fucked, can’t you? John has designed a number of guitars which are figuratively “out-of-this-world”. They are very colorful, visually distinctive and look exactly like what George Jetson, his wife Jane, daughter Judy and his boy Elroy would play, assuming the Jetsons did a Partridge Family act and played gigs at Spacely Sprockets.

Backlund GuitarsOne of John’s designs really caught my attention; it was his “Marz 6” guitar. I knew it existed because it was in his family photo of the design prototypes he owns.

Backlund Prototypes

The Marz 6 is that golden beauty that is the 2nd from left upright guitar on the sofa. I contacted Mr Buckland and told him of my interest in his guitar and he responded very promptly, but not with any good news. He explained that the Marz 6 in the picture had been built for him by a Dutch luthier and it was the only existing Marz 6 in the galaxy. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement, but I thanked Mr Backlund for his time and told him I would be interested in purchasing one should he ever sell the design to a manufacturer. You know what’s coming next.

On December 20th, John announced that Eastwood Guitars would be manufacturing a few of his designs. The Marz 6 was not listed among them on the Eastwood site, but John had posted on a guitar forum that the Marz 6 was going to be produced. I sent Eastwood a query on the subject and applied some serious search-fu and lo, a true Christmas Miracle occurred. The Marz 6 has a separate pre-order page not linked to the rest of John’s guitars, Eastwood is accepting deposits for Marz 6’s in various colors and for a mere two hunnit dollah you can nail down the color of your choice with anticipated delivery in April of  2018. TAKE MY MONEY NOW!

I advised John I had mine on order and he thanked me and advised… well, his exacts words were “Thank you! You’ll be getting what will probably always be quite a rare guitar. Of course, I would like to be wrong about this, but I would be surprised if more than fifty to seventy-five Marz 6 guitars will ever be built.”

So dear reader(s), thanks for nothing in helping me to stop buying guitars. Not that anything short of shooting me in the noggin would have stopped me from getting this one. The badass is just WAY too strong to resist.

Staying Cool in the Summer

 

I’m a big ass fan of keeping cool in the hot summer heat and I try lots of gadgets to help me keep cool.  I usually stay inside the refrigerator during the summer, it reminds me of the time I was locked in the refrigerator as a child.  I haven’t found an air conditioned bodysuit in my price range so I try other gadgets to keep me cool when I’m out and about in the city.

 

Today I’ve tried a cooling towel which I bought at my local big box store.  The item claims to keep you considerably cooler than the outside air and provides cooling relief and offers to keep you comfortable while doing your favorite activity at home or on the go.  I stress the ‘you’ because this didn’t keep ‘me’ considerably cooler or comfortable.

I chose my stylish color cooling towel and while opening the package noticed an offensive smell.  As I was inspecting the smell (yes I put the package to my nose and smelled it) I was wondering what chemical was this towel doused in?  It was a smell I don’t recall smelling before but it was foul.  The texture was what I thought it was going to be, that of a big shammy towel (chamois towel if you prefer), you know the towel for cars.

After I got over the smell, no it never went away I just got used to it, I wet the towel by placing it in a big bowl of water.  I donned my towel and went outside; I quickly noticed that the towel heated up to my body temperature.  Now I was currently wearing a wet shammy that was hot.  I was disappointed.  I wanted the cooling towel to keep me cool not annoyed, which is what I was becoming.  They should have named it the annoying towel.

I will not be using this towel and I hope the smell of the towel mingles well with the other smells at the landfill.

As I type this I find it might be a good cheap gift for people I am required to buy gifts for.  It will appear as if it’s a thoughtful gift but secretly I will know they will be annoyed.

If you have ideas on how to keep cool please feel free to tell me.

Will someone PLEASE make me stop.

So I pick up the mail and there is the monthly mini-catalog from Musician’s Friend and I toss it aside and go on with my day, fiddle-dee-dee. So a couple of hours later I sit down and open the catalog up and am making the “hmmm” and ‘hrrrummm” noises and on page 7, lower right hand corner I look, and then I look again, and then I turn a light on and look yet again… yeah, it does say Limited Edition George Harrison Tribute Telecaster, and that damn picture is of his Rosewood guitar… and those fuckers cost stupid money and you can’t get them any more and Rosewood is now officially on the UN shitlist for import/export and also this sentence is just getting ridiculously long. But yeah, the description calls it out as a solid Rosewood Tele, limited to 1,000 guitars world wide, for $2,500.

Now I got to explain some shit to some of you folks. Firstly, the original Rosewood Telecaster was hand made for George Harrison by Roger Rossmeisl in 1968. Fender made close duplicates of them available the following year and discontinued them in 1972. Since then, Fender has made a few limited edition runs of them; depending on the exactitude of the copying of the original, the retail price has varied from “slightly above a normal Telecaster” to “many thousands of your dollars”.

As best I can figure, Fender USA made the aforementioned original copies from ’69 to ’72. Fender Japan made them available starting at some point in the 1980s until ’94. Fender USA then made limited edition runs in 2007 and 2016. And now, in what will probably be the last run ever, they are making 1,000 more. Now you are gonna ask me “HandsomeMork, why for and how come do you say this will be the last run?” This will be the last run because of CITES.

CITES is the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Flora and Fauna. As of Jan 2, 2017, it is easier to move heroin across borders than it is to move Rosewood. The primary driver in getting Rosewood on the shitlist is the Communist Chinese furniture market. Rosewood furniture is hugely popular in China and the Chinese have a long history of ignoring international agreements when it suits them. There were specific types of Rosewood that were already restricted from international trade (specifically the Rosewood used to make their furniture), but they lied and prevaricated and forged documents stating that THIS batch of Rosewood was the non-restricted type of Rosewood and nothing to see here, move along, move along. The Chinese did this on such a large scale that the boom has been lowered. ALL Rosewood is now restricted from crossing borders without permits, paperwork, inspection certifications, etc (all these words are synonyms for “fees”).

Rosewood has pretty much always been THE wood of choice for guitar fretboards. Fretboards are fairly thin strips of wood that are glued to the face of the guitar neck and have the frets and fret markers inlaid in them. So when the new CITES rules went into effect, the guitar industry was immediately faced with several issues, and suddenly the Rosewood that the manufacturers had ON HAND became quite a bit more valuable. As an example, Fender is raising the price of all Rosewood fretboard guitars by $50 across the board.

Rosewood will still be available (especially Indian Rosewood, which has been a well maintained renewable resource for years), but there will be government paper work every step of the way (fees, fees, fees and more fees) so the cost of Rosewood is basically fixing to go way up. How much up? That is the $64 question. No one knows how much at this point, but there is no doubt it is going up.

So now we get back around to this Rosewood Telecaster. With the cost of Rosewood going up and the supply now subject to numerous government agencies across different countries, this looks to be the last run of these beautiful instruments that will carry the Fender name. To be sure, custom builders that have sufficient Rosewood on hand will be able to build you a one off, but the price tag will be positively brutal. Also, it won’t say “Fender” on it.

So to bring this back around to the beginning, I looked that the advertised price, muttered “wait just a minute” and walked to my office. A quick look at Ebay, Reverb and a couple of other sites confirmed what I thought: the last Fender reissue of these things are selling for 5 to 6K. So the “guitar math” on this one is pretty simple; go ahead and order this and when it gets here just put it in the back of the closet and wait a year. Profit.

If you want one, act right now. They will officially be released on August 22 and I suspect by then it will be too late.

Fly the Smelly Skies

It is reported in the news that a commercial airliner was forced (FORCED) to land at RDU on Sunday due to a passenger cutting the cheese at altitude.

Yes, a fart knocked an airliner right out of the sky. An ISIS spokesman praised Allah and claimed responsibility for the fart, stating that all future flights from the heretical western countries would be boarded by cabbage eating freedom fighters dedicated to bringing down and eradicating the corrupt blight of the Crusader airlines.

Fortunately, my fellow travelers of the airways, technology sallies forth to our rescue. Behold, the miracle that is the Fart Silencer. Not only does the fart silencer act to suppress the sound of anal emission, it can easily be adjusted to mask the odoriferous byproduct of the stinky poot. To quote from the linked article, “Users are also instructed to spray a cotton ball with their favorite perfume and put it into the “Fart Silencer” to eliminate any unwanted odor that might occur.”

People, we live in an age of miracles.