I meant to post this yesterday and I got sidetracked by a stubborn PCIe SATA controller card that wished to have its way with me. This afternoon, after a fearsome struggle in which much blood was shed, I prevailed.
ONE YEAR AGO, Mommy Vaughn announced that she was dying.
It grieves me to report that I have nothing further to report. I shall endeavor to maintain a sense of optimism and hope for the worst. For her.
Cocoa has told me to get off my dead posterior and do something I mentioned in passing once upon a time: Cookie Bingo.
The rules are simple and the card below is but an example. Write down 24 of her annoying words or phrases (which should not be too difficult, because that woman is the living embodiment of annoying) and play Cookie Bingo with your friends. Fun for anyone who has ever been on JTV, blogTV, YawnLive or Ivlog.
Note: Her OCD forces her to say some of her words/phrases over and over. Sorry, you only get to use it once, because she IS crazy and you aren’t.
Cookie has decided that she has discovered the secret identity of this writer. She has come to the inescapable and ineluctable conclusion that I am…
Tripcode. After announcing this, she then loudly proclaimed (in triplicate, as is her wont) that I would deny that I am Tripcode. Toots, I could give exactly zero flying fucks at a rolling doughnut who you think I am. If you need to think I am Tripcode, the Wizard of Oz, the Grand Wazoo or Father Duffy, then that is who I am.
With the help of her current sidekick, Ian985 (more about Ian shortly), they then deduced that Cocoa was someone named Jinx. After a bit more brainstorming, they came to the positive conclusion that HandsomeMork and Cocoa Black are both Tripcode. By now, you must be thinking the same thing that I am… Tripcode is a VERY busy boy.
As H.L. Mencken said, “For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.”
Ian985 is a rather interesting character. He agrees with every single bit of nonsense that drops out of Cookie’s ever flapping pie hole. He agrees just a little too much, too eagerly, too avidly. I’m gonna go ahead right now, in writing, and call him out as a catfish. No one agrees with anyone as much as Ian agrees with Cookie, and when something is too good to be true, it’s just too damn good to be true. Shitlips, you are fixin’ to get burned once again and I for one am going to revel in every minute of it.
Deeply into her senescence, Yetta’s show has become a festival celebrating her own peculiar brand of egocentrism. I have encountered some self-centered assholes in my sixty plus years on this planet the kids call “erf”, but this old bat is walking off with the cake. With an ego that large, it is simply impossible for a knave such as myself to resist the impulse to stick the occasional pin in the enormous balloon of her self-esteem. Sometimes it rattles her cage just a bit, as witnessed by the screen capture below:
She did in fact notice her error, as a clear expression of irritation passed across her face, but in true Lipshitzian fashion, she plowed on for the next 25 minutes telling me just how very much I sucked. Then it was back to the “All Lizzy, All The Time” diatribe she has been locked into since the beginning of 2019. I must bow to Lizzy, as she is UNDER the skin of Kookie in a truly impressive fashion. Troll Level: Master.
This time of year can be difficult for some people. For example, the bag lady of Ivlog is having an exceedingly rough time of it right now. Still pining for her young and star-crossed time-traveling paramour, we observe that Ruth Telebooth Yetta Telebenda is showing not only her sizeable bald spot (which, it appears she has been able to successfully lease as a helipad), but also a good inch or so of not-so-fashionable gray rootage.
I truly feel sorry for the poor hair dresser that will have to endure the hour or so of inane and befuddled Lipshitsian ramblings as Marjorie sees to her thinning coiffure in an attempt to hang on to the dimming memories of those bygone times when she was young and dinosaurs walked the earth.
Is this Sara62’s mom? Yes, I know she doesn’t spell it that way and I don’t care.
While browsing Ivlog.tv I found a new broadcaster, blackdick021. His room was just that, a black dick. He was live for 24 minutes. I am impressed that he could stroke it for 24 minutes.
In an event that we all saw coming, Yetta’s unrequited lesbian love for Lizzy is no more.
Yetta is a harsh mistress, and apparently Lizzy’s behavior failed to pass muster, leading Yetta to label Lizzy a “sleaze”. Yetta spent a rough 24 hours defending her judgemental behavior, alternately declaiming that she had not in fact called Lizzy a “sleaze” per se, but had labeled Lizzy’s behavior (repeat the word “behavior” three times then write it in chat) “sleazy” and then stating that it really didn’t matter if she had called Lizzy a sleaze or not, as the truth must be told, and Yetta – being a direct descendant of Moses (just ask her) – is the preeminent giver of the law and truth.
So now we come to Yetta, sitting in her channel, chat set to “ops only”, insulting her listeners as “uneducated”, “willfully ignorant”, “fools”, “lacking in understanding” and so on. Yetta has lots of experience in failed relationships, and all of those failures have one common element. That element is Marjorie Levine. Lack of understanding indeed, Yetta.
Per Yetta, Lizzy will not respond to any PMs and so Yetta had no choice other than to ban Lizzy from her channel. This information comes directly from Yetta, so look for the story to change by noon tomorrow. It always does.
Last night I didn’t feel well. I think I might have had a touch of food poisoning or maybe it was my nausea from Vaughnmas.
Last night I felt terrible! I was on the verge of throwing up and other things. At one point in time my stomach made a noise that scared the furry beasts I have in the house and made me wonder if I needed to go to the hospital. I had actually forgotten about the Vaughmas, it’s just not calendar worthy.
I decided to scroll through the Ivlog before I went to bed and stumbled into Bubbaganoosh’s room. He was watching the Vaughnmas while casting. I must say after hearing some of Vaughnmas over his computer this was the best way to watch the load of fecal matter that was the Vaughnlive holiday program.
Bubbaganoosh made it tolerable. Although I did throw up a few times and had a headache, I’m not sure if it was the vaughnmess or the food poisoning.
Also, I didn’t come up with Yawnmas or vaughnmess, those were some clever terms used to describe the waste of time that I will never get back. Merry Christmas.
What the fuck is Vaughnmas? Which one of the vaughns, the owners of vaughnlive.tv, thinks they are comparable to Christ? Are they smoking the weed?
If you are one of the fools who have still bought into the vaughns I guess you can participate in their second annual ‘vaughnmas’. I can’t imagine who is still casting on the site to actually send in a small video they can play on this vaughmas cast.
Of course I will be there to report my findings. I would rather have a tooth extracted and a colonoscopy at the same time but Handsome Mork is very demanding.
Black Friday, a dream to many, has turned into a disappointment for me. Early this week I overheard some women planning their Black Friday strategies. I laughed a little to myself thinking never again will I partake in the nonsense that is Black Friday. Well, not in the early morning, fighting crowds way.
Way back when I was a kid, we learned about Black Friday and how it is good for the economy. Now that I think about it, I think it was an opportunity to get our wish list to our parents. Also I think the teachers needed to make their strategy and what better way to do it with a bunch of minds! As a kid I never participated in Black Friday. I’m not sure if my parents participated, but I was curious for many years how Mom ended up in jail with my cabbage patch kid.
In my 20s I did partake in Black Friday once. I woke up extremely early to arrive at the store for the coveted 5am door buster gifts. On arrival at said store I found they had opened early and all those door busters were long gone. It was at this time that I realized I am a beta when it comes to shopping. It was also at this time that I realized I like to sleep and saving a few bucks wasn’t worth it. I will say that I tried online shopping in my 20s too, but online shopping wasn’t as easy as it is now. Dial up internet was a real struggle!
In my 30s I did a little more Black Friday shopping. This time I went with an expert. She had Black Friday shopping down to a science. She had what route we would take to get what gifts she wanted and the times it should take us to get to and from these items. I didn’t really enjoy the craziness of it all, but in the end I really enjoyed fighting next to my family more than anything. I mean when someone punches my family, you are going down! (And they did) Now her daughters will have to wonder why their mom went to jail with their American Girl Dolls.
Now that I’m considerably older I don’t partake in Black Friday nonsense at all. The fact that retailers offer a few coveted name brand items for a small discount and a few more non-name brand items for a bigger discount doesn’t make me want to get up early at all! Now I wake up, enjoy the quiet peaceful house and do some online shopping with a cup of coffee. If I need to go to the store or feel like shopping I make sure it’s after 10am and all the crazy people have gone back home. I’m not interested in being around people to save a few bucks. I will say, the hype of Black Friday online isn’t that great too. Amazon had a pencil sharpener on the Black Friday page. Really? Who wants a pencil sharpener for Christmas? As I scrolled through the 32 pages of black Friday deals I found a bunch of nothing that I wanted to buy. I ended up buying two items on Black Friday this year. How disappointing. I wonder if Black Friday always sucked.
During my escapades of traveling the world I found the perfect gadget for my furball problems. For those of you who are not familiar with me, I am a furry beast. I live with many furry beasts. Not the dress up like a furry animal for sexual delight kind of furry, rather we (myself and the creatures who live in this shack) are all very hairy.
Due to all the hair in this tenement I have already posted about a great gadget for my hair clogged drains. Today is about another little gadget for all the hair on my clothes! I didn’t realize how much hair was on my clothes and my laundry until I was using a hand towel in a hotel. I was using said towel and noticed I wasn’t dodging hair on the hand towel to put my contact lenses in. That’s when I realized the hair issue has gotten out of control in my shedio.
While in Malaysia I found this little product. I didn’t realize hair was such a global issue since that isn’t discussed on the world news. I guess the news doesn’t report everything and they really do focus on what they want to report (go figure). I don’t know the name of this product so I will call it “Hair Catching Thingy”. This gadget is some type of foam flower attached to a little net. It works with a top loader washing machine only. The foam flower floats around catching all the hair, miscellaneous trash, and anything else that floats on the top of the water while laundering. I know, you are wondering what trash is in my laundry. Hey when laundering fake money some of the paper isn’t the best and comes apart aka trash. I decided to test it out and my first few times weren’t successful.
I decided to see if it really works and put the dog’s blanket in the washer. I also put my laundry machine on a different setting as I have one of those new water saving laundry machines. I was able to get a little more water in the machine thus allowing the flower to float on the water. On a side note, I hate the water saving laundry machine.
Wow was that dog blanket full of hair! So I would say the product works if you have enough water to allow this gadget to float.
On a side note there are a few nifty things you should know about this product, not only does it catch hair but in the event of a flood, the little net will work as a fishing net. The fish will be little so you might have to catch 350 tiny fish in order to get a real meal. The warning label reads not to eat the foam with tide pods as it will become explosive in your smaller intestine. I’m not really sure how they concluded that it makes it to one’s small intestine before it explodes but I will not be experimenting with tide pods anytime soon. The warning also reads it is not a flotation device, instead in the event of a flooding emergency grab a lemon or lime.
The hair catcher 5000 comes in blue and pink. This is what it looks like.
This is an example of it not working. Only one hair!
For some reason, It seems that Under Teleblunder likes to “fart into pleather”. I had to look up “pleather”, which seems to be the 21st century version of what us old folks used to call Naughahyde.
Now naughahyde was damned mysterious in and of itself back in the day. I have hunted many species of critter on the North American continent, but I had never heard of a Naugha; I assumed that it must have a splendid hide, so it was probably a domesticated animal, being raised on vast Naugha ranches, probably located in exotic locations, such as Wyoming or maybe the New Jersey Pine Barrens.
Some internet research reveals that “pleather” is a chemical product made from polyvinyl chloride. Yes, it is made from exactly the same stuff that all those white, gray, blue, green, black, etc. plumbing pipes are made from. And that was when the light came on: no wonder she farts into it, it’s her toilet drain pipe.
In other news, Cookie’s COTU has hit new heights, as she stormed out of Lizzy’s show because Lizzy wouldn’t cut guest chat off. Cookie has now announced (and channeled Miss Scruffy exceedingly well in the process) that she will no longer enter any channel that has guest chat on. The Grand Dame of Social Media stated that no rational broadcaster would ever consider doing a show with guest chat on. She seemed quite put out that just anyone could add to the conversation. She added that every guest was up to no good and they should just be banned. Of course, she was telling this to all the guests sitting in her channel watching her melt down.
But she is NOT mad.
Utter Telebutter has gotten big mad at me. I am talking full on screaming, howling, raving, barking at the moon mad. You see friends and neighbors, I am, in her own words, “less than an insect”, however I am also “very dangerous”. So dangerous that Fetta will now be leaving her tenement housing project via the garage. She has alerted the NYPD Internet Troll squad, the Federal IP Enforcement Unit, The Royal Canadian Mounted Packet Inspector Division and The Brooklyn Boy Scouts (can we still call them Boy Scouts?) of my presence on her channel and… boy do I feel sorry for whoever has to deal with her.
She has sworn a mighty oath, sealed by the Covenant of Moses (who she does in fact claim as an ancestor) that she will never again read a single word of this here useless blog, as it is beneath her notice, contempt, excrement, finger nail clippings, stained underwear… you name it.
I wish her well, but I fear that she will be unable to hold fast to her word. Below is a screen cap of November’s server logs – which is (at the moment of this writing) a bit less than 29 hours old.
So good luck Yoda Telekubota. I will do what I can to help you avoid my miserable website which your immense, bloated ego has no further desire to see.
I must say I was a bit disappointed when she stated she bought a new toy and this was it.
I’ve been out of town, actually I’ve been stuck in a Guatemalan prison for reasons I can’t say at the moment. (When the press obtains the story I will give my story to Handsome Mork first then sell it to the press for one million dollars and attorney’s fees.)
I arrive back to Handsome Mork telling me that Cookie Lipshitz has actually found this blog. I couldn’t believe it, the blog has arrived (not really)! I checked out Cookie’s social media broadcast on Ivlog.tv tonight to hear her ramble on about bike lanes in New York City and thought of her in a police hat (it made me giggle), and then it happened. She mentioned the blog! Cookie, please, say the name of the blog, come on. If you are going to mention this blog, say the name of it. I would hate for others to think of a different blog, and they are out there aren’t they?
During my absence Handsome Mork wrote a post about revolver maps, which seems to be a widget to show where your IP address is physically located. Please see Handsome Mork’s post about revolver maps for all the details. It seems Cookie had revolver maps on her Ivlog page but due to a site policy change, no one on Ivlog is allowed to use IP trackers anymore. In the absence of said widget she bought herself a mini globe to tell her where all her viewers were viewing from. She also asked to have her photo taken so she can be on the blog. Ask and ye shall receive Cookie.
We’ve all heard fish stories. Someone went fishing and caught a fish, and that fish increases in size each time the fisherman (fisher-person?) tells the story about the catch.
Kookie Shitlips, resident crazy person of Ivlog, is spinning her fish story even as I type this post. This afternoon, Kookie stated that she had approached an art gallery with an idea. She talked about taking screen caps of some comments concerning her, “scribbling” on them, thereby transforming these posts into art and having a one woman exhibition of … whatever. Art, it ain’t. She said the mythological dealer of art was interested in this idea and after a pregnant pause, Shitlips added she was going to be paid. More about “being paid” later in this post.
That keen legal maven, Candy Rayne, playing her role of enabler of the demented, advised Kookie that by virtue of scribbling on these screen shots, they would then become Kookie’s intellectual property. Kookie cackled about wanting to be sued by the authors of the scribbled upon posts (sued for precisely what, she did not say) as that would require said plaintiffs to identify themselves in the forthcoming fantasy legal proceedings. In other words, a typical Kookie fantasy wherein she conjures up amazing plots so she can be the heroine and vanquish all who stand before her.
This evening, the story, much like that fish, had grown considerably. By 11pm, the story was that an art gallery had approached her with this idea. Now that makes NO effing sense at all for at least two very good reasons. First, exactly how would this phantasmagorical art dealer know anything about Shitlip’s experiences on the internet, and secondly, why in the name of Blue Jesus would he then advise the Bag Lady of Ivlog to “scribble” on screen shots of which he has no knowledge?
As the witching hour approached, one art dealer became TWO art dealers. Yes, apparently the Art World of New York City is beating a path to the rent-controlled walk-up that is the abode of Kookie, and they come waving money. I said I would get back around to “being paid”. Art galleries work on consignment sales, Kookster. NO ONE IS GOING TO PAY YOU A DIME FOR A COPY OF A SCREEN CAPTURE THAT YOU HAVE DRAWN SOME LINES ON. Sadly, I have actually seen some of her “art work” and… well, it’s easier to show it than attempt to describe it. It is about at the level of a child with their very first box of crayons.
On the one hand, it is entertaining watching her lunacy from a front row seat, on the other hand, it is kinda sad watching her lunacy from a front row seat.
Sure, it isn’t a movie, but it does make me cry.
Laughing until you cry counts, right?
It is apparent that someone has pointed out this fabulous blog to the vile and execrable Kookie Shitlips. Of course, Kookie is “disturbed“, so it is in her nature to point out a couple of posts we have made concerning her. She typed in the urls of two posts (her catfish experience with the mysterious Tripcode and a post concerning her usage of RevolverMaps) into the scrolling chat description window above the chat area. One aspect of her scrolling message does puzzle me mightily. Who the fuck is Voltaire?
Now I am going to go well out on a limb here and make an assumption. I am ASSUMING that Cookie is not referring to the historical personage known as “Voltaire” (real name: François-Marie Arouet), but is instead referring to some chat room wag who uses Voltaire as a user ID. This is not a safe assumption on my part. Given this antediluvian harridan’s grandiose delusions, she may actually believe that Voltaire is alive, well, and writing about her.
In any event, “Voltaire” is not a name that myself or Cocoa has ever used on any social broadcasting site. PremiumHogwash is now and has always been authored by myself and the esteemed Cocoa Black, and neither of us are fans of the cheese eating surrender monkeys. Any attempt by Kookie to credit this blog to Voltaire is purely the result of an Elavil induced psychosis.
Michael shut me down for 3 days, but the electrons are flowing again.
That most dangerous of men, Matt Drudge, always refers to inbound hurricanes as “HELL STORM”, this time around he may be right.
North Carolina has had some bad luck with “F” hurricanes in the month of September, and it looks like another one is on its way. The European Weather models have been calling for Florence to hit the Carolinas for over a week now, and the GFS (the American model) has finally decided that uh… yeah, it looks like Florence is gonna hit the Carolinas.
Right now it looks like it will come ashore as a category 3 storm, which is bad enough, but the projections for rainfall are slam out of sight. This rain will be coming down in an area that has had a historically wet summer already.
Let me recommend that you get familiar with this guy sooner rather than later: https://www.wxrisk.com/(fakebook page is https://www.facebook.com/WxRisk and youtube channel is https://www.youtube.com/user/wxdave1, twitter is https://twitter.com/wxriskcom). This guy KNOWS HIS SHIT.
Cocoa said she was gonna do a post about Youtube killing my last show… but she didn’t.
I was doing my usual Friday show thing, this time using Youtube (which, parenthetically speaking, used to have no issue with it – but times and rules change, eh?) and just after 2 hours they shut me down. I could read the chat and see people saying I had been shut down, but I couldn’t type anything at all so I had no way of telling everyone good night. I got an email later that night saying they shut me down because “Due to a copyright match, your stream was interrupted”. I am amused by this because I had been on for over 2 hours. So did the “copyright match” take place earlier and it took them some time to react, OR was the song that was playing at that exact moment trigger the match? Who knows. I do know that based on the experience of many other streamers, Youtube will never tell me. So anyway, I am crossing Youtube off the list of places to do a show.
Got an email concerning perpetual guest numbers on Ivlog. The emailer said that they have had the same guest number for the last 2 days. They said that they ran CCleaner, deleted their cookies and so on and so forth and still had the same guest number. I went to Ivlog and lo, the assigned number I got seemed to want to stick. I blew out all the ivlog cookies (there are several of them) and removed ivlog from my history, returned to ivlog and… same guest number. IP linked? So then I removed the cookies and history and waited until the next day to go back. Now I had a different guest number. The sad and tiny little fellow that runs Ivlog really really REALLY wants to know who everyone is that uses that site. Be aware that this change in assigning a guest number is probably not in your best interests.
Goutboy might be feeling some heat from a certain sports league. I went looking to see who was showing preseason NFL games on the Miscellaneous channel and lo, nary a game was to be found anywhere on the entire site. Interesting, very interesting as Arte Johnson used to say.
There was a spot of excitement on Twitter today as they were streaming a Madden ’19 tournament out of Jacksonville, Florida and some beta male took losing his round to heart and proceeded to shoot the venue up and then put one through his own head. Dear suicidal losers: PLEASE, make your last shot your first shot. Blow your own pathetic brains out before you shoot other people. Thank you. Invest in metal detector stocks now, because this guy has just given every business that caters to groups larger than two a reason to buy one. Every news site in the world linked to Twitter for the video of when the shooting started, so Twitter, in a moment of brilliant business insight, pulled the video down. No free advertising for you, come back, one year.
Be careful out there, people.
A picture is worth 1000 words, so I’ll let this screen cap taken at 5AM (10AM Cr3am time, in other words mid-morning) speak for itself.
As a man of distinguished years (i.e., old), I have been exposed to numerous philosophies, world views, observations, anecdotes, witticisms and all manner of folk wisdom. In this current decade I made the acquaintance of a brilliant philosopher from the Great State of Texas who informed me of a TRUE FACT: All women are crazy and all men are stupid.
I mention this because last night, I proved the above axiom true, yet again. For supper, I had a large bowl of chocolate ice cream, many many handfuls of goldfish crackers and most of a container of bacon bits.
To say that my stomach became upset is a laughable understatement. Cramps, spasms, explosive emissions of the sonic and semi-solid nature, pain, regret, sorrow, strange and unnatural noises coming from my torso while a hyper boa constrictor wrestles a pack of rabid weasels for control of my colon, wishing for and then praying for a swift death to deliver me from my plight… yes, all this and more describes my evening.
In all honesty, a six year old left alone at home would probably make better dietary choices than I.
I am a man, ergo I am stupid.
So I am chit chatting and
Not exactly how the shit is supposed to work, Mr Cram.
I did something this morning that I haven’t done in quite some time. I logged into Ivlog. I noticed a new name on the main page. It was a new name, no photo had a few viewers. I clicked it, going into a new room is always exciting! It’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get! This was not my favorite chocolate that’s for sure! I thought for a bit that Ivlog had turned into the newest porn site for live viewers but I was wrong.
For those of you who love chocolate:
