The Madness Continues

On Monday, I got an email. I was being summoned. My attendance was requested. My presence was required. In the local dialect, I was being told to “gitcher ass in gear an’ get on down here, son”.

Given the subject of the email, I complied post-haste.

In the second week of July of this year, I found myself sitting down with Harry, the owner of Harry’s Guitar Shop (odd coincidence, them both being named “Harry”). I informed Harry that I wanted a Heritage H-155 M guitar, but not just any old run-of-the-mill H-155 M. No sir. I wanted a special H-155 M, built just for me, with ALL the bells, ALL the whistles, the kitchen sink, HBO, white side walls… you name it, I wanted it. So Harry, being a Heritage dealer, picked up the speaker phone of love and called Heritage Guitars up. One transfer later we were talking to the Lady With The Sharp Pencil and she started asking me questions.

Her questions centered around my specifications and the various up-charges they entailed. I authorized all of it. I encouraged her to find and kill the last unicorn and make the fret markers out of his horn. “Alas, all we offer is mother-of-pearl” she cried out. Anyway, they got the idea I wanted a real doozy of a custom built 155 and at that point I left Harry to discuss the numbers and delivery date with the nice lady. Harry contacted me the following day with a price and a date of September 15th for the guitar’s arrival.

I suspect my astute readers have already surmised that the email I received on Monday was Harry informing me that a small miracle had happened and my Heritage was sitting in his office. Just to bait the hook (or maybe it was to twist the knife?) he sent me some photos of the guitar with the statement that the guitar looked much better in person than it did in the pictures.

Really? It looks “much better” than that?

Well, it does. There was another customer at Harry’s who saw it and made the remark “I am standing two feet away from this and it looks like the top is made of crushed velvet”.

But the story, it does not end here. Oh no. The story never ends.

In the jibber jabber that follows any substantial transaction, I asked Harry about a guitar I had seen listed as a “special deal” on his web site. The guitar in question is a Schecter Custom Shop PT in butterscotch. Another customer had ordered a custom built Schecter PT and specified a maple fret board. Someone at Schecter goofed and put on a rosewood fret board. The customer was notified that his guitar had arrived, he came in, looked at the guitar and said “This is not what I ordered”. The customer and Harry got on the phone with Schecter to instruct them on the fine points of telling maple from rosewood. Harry now has a genuine Schecter Custom Shop on his hands that no one wants. (The customer is well within his rights to reject the guitar, as he ordered a custom build from a custom shop. The builder really does not want that guitar back, because they have no idea when someone else will order that exact set of features.) So Harry puts it on his wall for what is basically dealer cost, in this case just about $1000 off the retail price.

I see the guitar, I hold the guitar, the guitar whispers to me “My intended has rejected me, through no fault of my own. Won’t you please take me home with you?”, and so I did.


And even now, the story is not at an end. It seems there is a Peavey T-30 on a UPS truck headed my way, even as I write these thrilling words.

Someone, anyone, PLEASE help me stop.


Woe is me. Everyone hates me.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. Gifted Likexmas

    As expressed in the lyrics of Mr. Palmer (R.I.P.), “Might as well face it, you’re addicted”…….

  2. HandsomeMork

    Yeah… I have a new Flying V sitting in the living room and an Ovation 1868 Elite due in on Monday.

  3. Piper

    I am a spammer who likes pigs just a little bit too much, if you know what I mean.

  4. Lurlene

    My name is Lurlene and I bite on the peen.

    Also, I am another failed spammer.

  5. Juan Hu Nose

    The fixed blade just has a different feel and security for heavy duty tasks. Although, I am going travelling in Spamland this year, so have bought a Sybian 9000 mainly to have a portable device I can carry in my pocket to cover the simpler tasks in hand (possibly making a quick self peg, cutting umbilical cord etc). I think as always the key with kit is how, when and what you use it. I would always, though, now carry a dildo, and a good sharpened one at that.

    I like to report on various sites that have nothing to do with what I am reporting. I get paid to type gibberish, half a cent so that I can feed my family. Please wait for more gibberish from me soon. Until then, go fuck yourself.

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