The Madness Continues

On Monday, I got an email. I was being summoned. My attendance was requested. My presence was required. In the local dialect, I was being told to “gitcher ass in gear an’ get on down here, son”.

Given the subject of the email, I complied post-haste.

In the second week of July of this year, I found myself sitting down with Harry, the owner of Harry’s Guitar Shop (odd coincidence, them both being named “Harry”). I informed Harry that I wanted a Heritage H-155 M guitar, but not just any old run-of-the-mill H-155 M. No sir. I wanted a special H-155 M, built just for me, with ALL the bells, ALL the whistles, the kitchen sink, HBO, white side walls… you name it, I wanted it. So Harry, being a Heritage dealer, picked up the speaker phone of love and called Heritage Guitars up. One transfer later we were talking to the Lady With The Sharp Pencil and she started asking me questions.

Her questions centered around my specifications and the various up-charges they entailed. I authorized all of it. I encouraged her to find and kill the last unicorn and make the fret markers out of his horn. “Alas, all we offer is mother-of-pearl” she cried out. Anyway, they got the idea I wanted a real doozy of a custom built 155 and at that point I left Harry to discuss the numbers and delivery date with the nice lady. Harry contacted me the following day with a price and a date of September 15th for the guitar’s arrival.

I suspect my astute readers have already surmised that the email I received on Monday was Harry informing me that a small miracle had happened and my Heritage was sitting in his office. Just to bait the hook (or maybe it was to twist the knife?) he sent me some photos of the guitar with the statement that the guitar looked much better in person than it did in the pictures.

Really? It looks “much better” than that?

Well, it does. There was another customer at Harry’s who saw it and made the remark “I am standing two feet away from this and it looks like the top is made of crushed velvet”.

But the story, it does not end here. Oh no. The story never ends.

In the jibber jabber that follows any substantial transaction, I asked Harry about a guitar I had seen listed as a “special deal” on his web site. The guitar in question is a Schecter Custom Shop PT in butterscotch. Another customer had ordered a custom built Schecter PT and specified a maple fret board. Someone at Schecter goofed and put on a rosewood fret board. The customer was notified that his guitar had arrived, he came in, looked at the guitar and said “This is not what I ordered”. The customer and Harry got on the phone with Schecter to instruct them on the fine points of telling maple from rosewood. Harry now has a genuine Schecter Custom Shop on his hands that no one wants. (The customer is well within his rights to reject the guitar, as he ordered a custom build from a custom shop. The builder really does not want that guitar back, because they have no idea when someone else will order that exact set of features.) So Harry puts it on his wall for what is basically dealer cost, in this case just about $1000 off the retail price.

I see the guitar, I hold the guitar, the guitar whispers to me “My intended has rejected me, through no fault of my own. Won’t you please take me home with you?”, and so I did.

 

And even now, the story is not at an end. It seems there is a Peavey T-30 on a UPS truck headed my way, even as I write these thrilling words.

Someone, anyone, PLEASE help me stop.

Superdumbvillain

I thought this was awesome in many ways.  The fact that a burger is talking, a delicious looking burger is talking to me!  I also admire his broadcasting abilities and special effects.

Have a look, what do you think?  (Now I’m hungry.)

Singing with the dogs.

Not many sites do a sexy chris post these days, they are all too worried about his court dates.  Clarkswhiskey, aka sexychriswhile, is a social broadcaster with a love of alcohol.  I don’t know how much alcohol he consumes but I would think he could be in the running for a world record.  I wonder if they have a world record for longest surviving liver. I digress.  While I was recording him I stepped out of the room.  When I heard the dog howling I came running back in to this…

Enjoy.

 

Off with Their Heads!

I’m going to make this short, sweet, (hopefully funny) and to the point.  This craze of removing monuments is getting out of hand.

Apparently the current mood in America, or by some Americans, is that civil war statues are offensive and should be removed.  In many southern states monuments that have been standing for years are being removed and desecrated.

I believe that most young people have no idea who these bronze statues are or what they represent.  If we were to remove all the plaques that are attached to the terrible monuments in question, no one would know what they are. For instance, let’s remove the plaque that is on or near this statue.  Let’s change the plaque to Famous Steve Balboa who fought hard to earn money by preaching and collecting money to give to the poor.  Kids these days wouldn’t know the difference.

With this in mind, I think it would be easier to just change all the plaques to make a better world and give hope that we can all be nice to one another.  One can have a dream right? Oh wait, that statue is still standing.

Next, if removing the plaques doesn’t make people happy, what if we save money by removing the heads of these terrible monuments?  Imagine a land of no headed statues.  I’m trying to save money because, in case people have forgotten, most states don’t have a ton of money to remove statues.  They barely have money to repair the roads properly. I digress.  I think that removing the heads could be a good thing.  Here are a few examples:

What do we do with the heads?  Ever heard of Easter Island?  By removing the heads what will aliens think in a million years when they visit our dead planet with statues of headless people all over the place? This could be our world!

Also, if we are rewriting our history and removing statues, what about the towns that get most of their revenue from tourists visiting civil war sites?  Gettysburg for example, how much do they get from civil war tourists?  I believe in light of today’s crazy thinking the revenue isn’t worth keeping the town. Therefore, we should burn the town down and erase it from the map.  While we are at it, lets quarantine the dirt left over and make it a biohazard wasteland.

On a side note, there are currently statues of Michael Jackson around the world, but those are not being torn down, even though some people told him to beat it.   There are also three statues of Lenin in the United States.  I only read up on one; I found it fascinating that a statue that was so offensive to the Czechoslovakians ended up in Seattle.  It makes me wonder what will happen to to all of our statues.  I would find it more offensive if they found their homes in Iraq.

Also, I have found that many people hate clowns.  Why is Ronald McDonald not removed all over America?

On a serious note, if these people who are so offended by these terrible monuments that “represent” slavery got together to join forces to stop the slavery that exists today (sex slavery) maybe the world could be a better place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Staying Cool in the Summer

 

I’m a big ass fan of keeping cool in the hot summer heat and I try lots of gadgets to help me keep cool.  I usually stay inside the refrigerator during the summer, it reminds me of the time I was locked in the refrigerator as a child.  I haven’t found an air conditioned bodysuit in my price range so I try other gadgets to keep me cool when I’m out and about in the city.

 

Today I’ve tried a cooling towel which I bought at my local big box store.  The item claims to keep you considerably cooler than the outside air and provides cooling relief and offers to keep you comfortable while doing your favorite activity at home or on the go.  I stress the ‘you’ because this didn’t keep ‘me’ considerably cooler or comfortable.

I chose my stylish color cooling towel and while opening the package noticed an offensive smell.  As I was inspecting the smell (yes I put the package to my nose and smelled it) I was wondering what chemical was this towel doused in?  It was a smell I don’t recall smelling before but it was foul.  The texture was what I thought it was going to be, that of a big shammy towel (chamois towel if you prefer), you know the towel for cars.

After I got over the smell, no it never went away I just got used to it, I wet the towel by placing it in a big bowl of water.  I donned my towel and went outside; I quickly noticed that the towel heated up to my body temperature.  Now I was currently wearing a wet shammy that was hot.  I was disappointed.  I wanted the cooling towel to keep me cool not annoyed, which is what I was becoming.  They should have named it the annoying towel.

I will not be using this towel and I hope the smell of the towel mingles well with the other smells at the landfill.

As I type this I find it might be a good cheap gift for people I am required to buy gifts for.  It will appear as if it’s a thoughtful gift but secretly I will know they will be annoyed.

If you have ideas on how to keep cool please feel free to tell me.

The League of Upright Broadcasters

There can be no doubt that there is an immensity of dreck being spewed forth on various social broadcasting platforms. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your politics are, I don’t even care if you are left-handed, I feel certain that you could immediately rattle off the names of several broadcasters that you would sooner shoot than allow into the presence of your mother or your offspring.

One of the raisons d’etre of this blog was to mention and otherwise highlight those broadcasters who eschew the low road. These are broadcasters who will say hello to old friend and new viewer alike, who will seek (to the degree you allow them to) to make one and all welcome and comfortable within the confines of their channel.

I have observed that most of the vaper channels are like this. All are welcome. All they ask is that you behave yourself as if you were visiting their living room in real life. Any sensible adult (and any well brought up child for that matter) should have no problem with this. For those who are simply unable to control themselves… well, it is time for you to leave. You can just go on ahead and walk out, and if you can’t find the way, someone will show you.

I attend the following shows on a pretty darn regular basis. As a rule, the uproar and angst is generally minimal and the emphasis is on friends hanging out and maybe having a laugh or six.

EDIT – removed all links – every single channel gave up the fight.

If you are looking for a sane, non-threatening place to spend some online social time, there are much worse places you could try.

By all means, PLEASE add your favorites in the comments below.

Is this how you do it, mommy?

So this little exchange happened today on Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit on the Internet:

In the red corner, we have one of the all time most obnoxious pests that has ever activated an account on a social website, Mr (Miss?) Patrickva. In the blue corner, we have Gout Boy, the man-child offspring of the owner of Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit on the Internet.

In what is standard operating procedure for one of clan vaughn, Gout Boy is lurking in channels as a guest (I leave it to the reader, as a purely intellectual exercise, to hypothesize why the administrators of a website would feel the need, the overwhelming compulsion, to anonymously patrol their own site).

All does not go according to plan for Gout Boy. He is caught out by the clever trap (heh) laid by Patrickva and is coerced into declaring his actual identity. Patrickva then delivers the coup de main by pointing out that Gout Boy simply could have signed in like a civilized individual (once again, dear reader, I must ask that you ponder another point. How many times have you seen the actual owner of Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit on the Internet state in open chat that she wishes there was no guest chat? Miss Scruffy, be careful what you wish for! How could you possibly lurk and interject provocative statements into chat as you are wont to do if you had to sign in?).

Gout Boy responds exactly as we all expect a member of clan vaughn to respond: abruptly and rudely. Gout Boy has proudly proclaimed that he is not professional, and here we have yet another instance of him boldly living down to that credo.

Gout Boy (as is de rigueur for a member of clan vaughn) then threatens Patrickva with account closure, leading Patrickva to bow in obeisance.

This could have been an epic “in yo’ face, motherfucker” moment for Patrickva, but alas, his manhood (womanhood?)  deserted him at this key juncture in this titanic battle of wills. Tucking his tail between his spindly legs, Patrickva demonstrates to the Gout Boy that his account on Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit on the Internet means more to him than his pride.

To the surprise of exactly no one.

As long as Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit on the Internet continues to attract beta males, this will never end.

Allow me to translate.

The Actual Terms of Service for Vaughn Live

1. You must be at least 18 years of age to have an account. If you have a youthful appearance you will ultimately be banned because the actual site owner hates being reminded of her age.

2. Streams may not contain film, video, pictures, etc. of persons under 18 unless you are a friend of Mark Vaughn.

3. Nudity is not permitted, unless it’s late and you’re really hot, in which case D****L will make sure you stay on until he is…. finished. Nudity is allowed and constantly available in the Miscellaneous section.

4. We appreciate broadcasters who go Total FUBAR on drugs because that brings us viewers.

5. We appreciate broadcasters who say totally outrageous shit. That also brings us viewers.

6. For some inane reason there is a rule about showing your ass… because apparently Rule 3 just wasn’t good enough?

7. You large breasted women can’t flaunt your gifts on camera unless your name is Gamer Girl.

8. The Amrita Rule: no rubber dicks because it makes the actual site owner get itchy “down there”.

9. The “Any Way the Wind Blows” Rule: People who have been banned may/may not be allowed to be heard, seen, or mentioned on someone else’s broadcast. It all just depends on how the actual site owner is feeling at that exact moment. Ya pays yer money, ya takes yer chances.

10. The People category is for use by whoever the actual site owner feels it should be used by. You were forbidden to play games there until the actual site owner’s son decided he wanted to show off his elite minecraft skills there. It was just fine to have a black screen until the actual site owner turned on Bubbaganoosh, now black screens are right out. Play this one by ear, people.

11. Rule 11 exists because they ran out of room in Rule 10. Seriously.

12. The DMCA Safe Harbor disclaimer: Whatever YOU show is ON YOU. That’s how the law works, despite what some folks fervently wish to believe.

13. YOU MUST, AT ALL TIMES, KISS THE ASS OF THE ACTUAL SITE OWNER (hereinafter referred to as Miss Scruffy) TO USE THIS WEBSITE. FAILURE TO ABIDE BY RULE 13 WILL LEAD TO AN IMMEDIATE SITE BAN.

Here’s the deal, boys and girls: eventually, Miss Scruffy will turn on everyone with the single exception of her son. Do not ever underestimate or discount this. She has successfully fostered a mindset of “us against the world” in the psyche of her precious man-child and it is far, far too late to fix or repair the damage she has done. And she likes that just fine.

Meaty Penne

Years ago I found a recipe for a penne pasta bake type meal.  I absolutely loved it!  For some reason my roommate at the time hated it and threw my recipe away.  I have been searching for something similar and so far I’ve found nothing that comes close to it.  I’m giving this recipe a try tonight.  I’m hoping it’s delicious because I made a bunch and will be eating it for the rest of the week, unless I freeze some of it for later.  I found this easy to make with little preparation and little cook time.  The start-to-finish time: 25 minutes.

 

Meaty Penne Pasta

Ingredients

  • 8 ounces dried penne
  • 1 pound lean ground beef
  • 1/2 cup chopped onion
  • 1 14 ounce can whole Italian-style tomatoes, undrained
  • 1/2 6 ounce can Italian-style tomato paste
  • 1/4 cup dry red wine or tomato juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano, crushed
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
  • 1/4 cup sliced pitted ripe olives
  • 1/2 cup shredded reduced-fat mozzarella cheese (2 ounces)  (I use a full cup of cheese when I make this. I like cheese. Get over it.)
  • Fresh oregano leaves (optional)

Instructions

  1. Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain well. Return pasta to hot pan; cover to keep warm.
  2. Meanwhile, in a very large skillet, cook ground beef and onion until meat is brown. Drain off fat. In a blender or food processor, combine undrained tomatoes, tomato paste, wine, sugar, dried oregano, and pepper. Cover and blend or process until smooth.
  3. Stir tomato mixture into meat mixture in skillet. Bring to boiling; reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in cooked pasta and olives. Cover and heat through.
  4. Sprinkle individual servings with mozzarella cheese. If desired, garnish with oregano leaves.

The mystery of the Cookie Shuffle

Cookie Lipshitz, an antediluvian social broadcaster, gets shuffled but doesn’t understand why.  Allow me to educate the educator.

For those of you who don’t know about social broadcasting, many sites will 
place the broadcaster with the largest number of viewers on their home page to “feature” that broadcaster. For example, if you have 100 viewers in your room and that is the highest viewer count by channel, the site you are on will generally place your broadcast stream on their front page. If another caster then gets 101 viewers, they will then be featured and you will be bumped to second place. In the past, the desire to be featured has created fighting and drama between channels, as some people want (demand) to be featured. Other social broadcasting sites rotate the feature option for all active broadcasters without regard to their viewer counts. I prefer this method as everyone gets a chance at fame.  I’m still unclear as to why people desire to be featured.  I haven’t heard of anyone becoming famous from social broadcasting sites. It is possible Hollywood talent agencies scout the front pages of social broadcasting sites for their next Brad Pitt.

So this is pretty straight forward. A social broadcasting website either places you on the front page based solely on your viewer count, or they use an algorithm to randomly select a channel for the “honor”. I know, I know. I am beating this to death. Why must you keep reading? I do have a point, I promise.

A few days ago, Cookie Lipshitz was on a certain social broadcasting website that claims to use the viewer count numbers to be featured. The little Counting Gerbil that the owner of this website SAYS he coded counts up the total number of channel viewers and if Channel X has more viewers than any other  channel, it automagically places Channel X on the front page. Bam. Channel X has now achieved everlasting fame and immortality. They are FEATURED!

Getting back to Cookie, a viewer in her channel informed Cookie she had 51 viewers, and since this site under discussion doesn’t get much traffic any longer, Cookie should have been in first place and featured as she had the highest viewer count at that time. However, this was not the case. The venerable Ms. Lipshitz was shuffled to the back of the line. The very back of the line. In dead last place on the popularity score board if you will. The big goose egg. Zilch. Nada. Last place. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Cookie, knowing how the system works, was a bit upset that she was at the end of the line and wanted to know why.

I found this comical.  She was an educator in her previous life and desires (demands) to be thought of as educated. Why doesn’t she understand this?  She’s at the back of the line because she pissed someone off.  She’s been broadcasting on two different social broadcasting sites recently and the site owners don’t like the competition.

Maybe she was trying to be funny. She does refer to herself as a comedian when she is asked for a bill of particulars.  I don’t know if the site owners know what a “bill of particulars” is. I’ve attached the rules below and she didn’t break any of those rules. However, the last line says it all, guidelines are subject to change. Which means if we don’t like you, you get TOSsed.

 

This screen capture shows her at the bottom of the list.

I did find this person’s reason humorous.

The following is a list of Vaughn Live’s stream guidelines
  1. Must be at least 18 years of age to have an account and/or stream
  2. Streams (example: photos, films, videos, events, live broadcasts) cannot contain content of persons under the age of 18, except professionally pre-produced content.
  3. No nudity / No sexually explicit material
  4. No consumption and/or depiction of illegal drugs and/or substances (based on United States federal laws) on stream
  5. No hate speech / No illegal activity
  6. No mooning. Due to past “unfortunate” mooning events, mooning is no longer allowed.
  7. Cannot focus stream on chest, butt or genitals.
  8. No sex toys or promotion of sex related items.
  9. Banned streamers can be on your stream or MvnCams, but you are responsible for their actions and content.
  10. People category is not for all content. If you change the content of your broadcast, please update your channel category accordingly. Streams with no one on cam, no one on mic and no Streamer in chat do not belong in the People tab. Also streams that show pre produced content for the majority of their stream should not be in the People category.
  11. Gaming is allowed here on Vaughn Live. And if you’re either on cam or on mic, you can stream gaming in the People tab.
  12. By using Vaughn Live, you agree you have full permission for any content you may use on your stream and/or on your channel itself
Guidelines are subject to change

 

Hair Shampooing 101 with Liklik

Liklik is a social broadcaster that I find peculiar.  In a previous post, where I watched Liklik mow the lawn, I stayed to watch him shower….outside.  Oh my, I just realized that I watched Liklik shower and how that sounds.  I might need to see a psychiatrist.

I found his art of shampooing his hair most interesting; I actually second guessed how I had been shampooing my own hair all these years. For those of you who second guessed how to shampoo your own hair too, check this out to verify if you have shampooing your own hair correctly.

As I type this I wonder how bald people wash their heads and if they put something on their bald heads to make it look glossy.  I digress.  Enjoy the video.

 

Lawn Safety with Liklik

I’ve been looking for a lawn service to make my yard look amazing and I believe Liklik just might be the man.

I was browsing my broadcasting sites when I noticed Liklik was mowing his lawn.  After watching him for a bit I noticed that I was judging his form and safety gear.  I thought to myself, ‘hey, he’s mowing the lawn, what do I care?’  I’ve always been told I need a man to do things around the house such as mowing and farting.  It appears Liklik might be that man.  No he is not the man for me, but he is a man who can mow. I can not report on his farting ability.

I googled mower safety tips to see how Liklik rated in safety.  Shoe safety: yes, he’s keeping his shoes safe by keeping them in the house.  I’m a shoe lover so I appreciate his devotion to his shoes.  Who needs a few toes or even a foot when you have beautiful shoes that are safe and untouched? Avoiding rocks and such: he did find something, I’m not sure if he ran over it first or not, he does toss whatever he found it is across the yard. Maybe there was an invisible trash can he was throwing that something into. He also mowed around something in the middle of the lawn instead of running over it.  Wearing hearing protection: he may have failed at this as I see no protection for himself or the listeners.  The link for mowing tips doesn’t address clothing however I believe boxers and a t-shirt is ideal for mowing.  Maybe there is an athletic sports cup under those boxers to protect his johnson?

In regards to Liklik’s form, it appears he has straight lines and evenly mowed. I found his one handed mowing to be exceptional showmanship of his mowing abilities.  I hope to see him edge soon.  It might make for an interesting part two of this post.  Or not.

Liklik gives us a little tip for cooling down after all his hard work: soak yourself with the water hose. So simple and yet so effective.

Happy Mowing People!

 

The Arcane Art of Making Your Own PSAs

Hey kids! It’s time to give some (most? all?) of you a quick and dirty HOW-TO on making your own Public Service Announcements, Station IDs, Inane Commercials, whatever.

Firstly, this HOW-TO applies to Windows 7 and later versions of operating systems (there are RUMORS it works for XP and Vista, I have no direct knowledge of this). I have no idea if this stuff will work with Windows 98SE or Unix or Cheetah or any of that Apple Crapple. Also, I don’t care if it works for these operating systems. Ask your minister or therapist for guidance in this area.

You will need a free application called Balabolka. “Balabolka” (bal-ah-bowl-ka) is Russian for someone who likes to chat constantly. Balabolka is a 32 bit application, and that will be important later on in this thrilling saga.

Balabolka works with any installed Microsoft TTS voices already on your system. (Okay, let’s take a short detour here. There are a LOT of handicap accessibility features already built into Windows. You probably have no idea they are there because you can see, you can hear, you can talk, etc. TTS is short for Text To Speech. Windows has a built in capacity to read the contents of numerous types of files to a user who may have difficulty reading or even seeing the screen. In other words, you already have at least one TTS voice on your machine. Poke around in the Accessibility Features of Windows one rainy afternoon; you will be very impressed at what is built right in to the operating system to help people with sight and hearing issues use a PC) If you have further questions about the ins and outs of how Balaboka hooks into the TTS voices and what sort of options you have, go here.

At some point, you may want to add a different voice to the voice library. This is easily done by searching the web for something along the lines of “free text to speech voices windows I am too cheap to buy shit” or something similar. Be SURE to use 32 bit compatible voices (see? I told you that 32 bit business would be important).

The Balabolka interface is pretty straight forward. Open the application and you will see the usual menu bars and assorted means of sorcery in the top part of the window. The bottom half of the window is a big open space just begging you to write something witty, inspirational, incisive and provocative. Balabolka has a bunch of BUTTONS, knobs, sliders and valves for controlling the speed, volume, and pitch of the TTS voice in use, it gives you the ability to alter pronunciation of particular words, it will also let you preview all or part of any Balabolka script you are creating from scratch.

After you have your Balabolka script typed up the way you like it and you are fairly happy with how the TTS voice reads it aloud, record it using an audio editor. A really really really good audio editor that is free is called Audacity. Audacity has been around forever. It is well supported and under constant development (that means someone fixes shit that is broken), it also has a broad user base (that means you can generally ask a question in most any random gathering about how to do something in Audacity and someone will actually have the right answer). Audacity will allow you to get rid of annoying stuff like large pauses between spoken phrases. It also allows you to further refine the TTS voice by applying filters (reverb, echo, vocal enhancement, faux stereo, equalizer…. the list of things you can do with Audacity is quite lengthy, BUT (and this is important) you do not have to use any of that stuff. You can play around with the effects to your heart’s content and as long as you don’t save the file, you can always go back to the original starting point.

Any audio editor will suffice (Adobe Audition aka Cool Edit, Sound Forge, GoldWave, etc). I used Audacity as the example because it is free, it is proven, and it is well supported.

Once you have finished your audio editing, save the file as .mp3, .flac, .wav, whatever your audio player likes to stream. Name the file something that you can identify by looking at the name. PSA1, PSA2, PSA3, etc are not too good because after you get to PSA64, you may not remember what the hell PSA14 actually says. Name them something along the lines of “Dumbass Fake Commercial for Long Life Dildo Batteries” – a file name that actually has bearing on the content of the file. You will then want to listen to your project via your regular audio player software and normalize the volume if needed.

That’s it. All done. Now you are truly dangerous.

Did Yetta get her drug card?

I do believe this blog is being read by someone other than HandsomeMork and myself.  I’ve witnessed what I believe is a 70 year old woman who might have gotten her buffoonery drug card.

I don’t know if this makes me happy that people are reading this blog or sad that someone might have taken my joke about the buffoonery drug card seriously.

This lady, Yetta, claims to be 70 years old and I must give her beauty regimen applause.  I think she looks great for 70.  Many people at 70 are full of wrinkles and health issues.  This lady isn’t even wearing glasses while looking at her computer screen! I digress. Yetta is in prime time for coke according to my buffoonery post!  I would love to see her riding her bike or skateboard around town as she isn’t allowed to have a vehicle according to the buffoonery drug card rules.

This video (in its entirety) is the rambling of a lady claiming she’s being sued.  I can not confirm or deny she is being sued. I do not care. While I was watching her she kept saying the words “dummy dick” and calling someone “dummy dick”.  I found it odd that a woman in her 70s doesn’t know how to properly curse.  I imagine her on the playground with a bunch of  5 year-olds and them all calling one another dummy dick, dummy cunt, and many other silly things.

 

 

I included this video because I like her singing.

 

I’ve been Bamboozled!

It’s not often I go to Vaughnlive.tv, a social broadcasting site, but last night I was in for a little surprise and ended up bamboozled!

Vaughnlive.tv (Vaughn) was the second broadcasting site I had ever visited, after JustinTV(JTV).  A friend I met from JTV introduced me to Vaughn after JTV closed down.  I was relatively new to JTV so when it closed unexpectedly it was no surprise or disappointment to me.  I frequented Vaughn for a while and moved on, like many other viewers have.  I suggest you ask HandsomeMork to explain why people move on from Vaughn if you would like more information on that subject.  I do visit Vaughn from time to time to see who might be broadcasting and I am usually disappointed, as there are no casters that I desire to watch.

Last night I wanted to be entertained so I visited all my normal sites to see if there was someone who, I felt, would entertain me.  To be honest, I needed something to blog about. After visiting the broadcasting sites I frequent, I wasn’t satisfied with what they had to offer; I visited Vaughn and behold a pink haired lady casting.  This should be a little interesting and I haven’t seen her before so why not visit her page.  I entered to see one of the most peculiar looking woman that I’ve seen before. I entered Michelle My Bell’s room; I assume the pink haired woman is Michelle, but we all know what happens when I make assumptions.  (I make an ass out of you and me….)  This woman did have pink hair, obviously a wig, but it appeared to be a newer wig and in better shape than some of the other wigs I’ve seen on broadcasting sites.  She appeared to need some maintenance on her upper lip.  I find this embarrassing for women who need beauty maintenance on their face.  I’ve always wondered why friends of  women in need of maintenance don’t tell them they need maintenance. I digress. This woman needed a severe waxing on her upper lip and I felt bad for her.  Michelle was wearing a cookie monster shirt which covered her very large yabos.  Did I mention very large? Wow!  Michelle had a lower voice than I expected and after watching her for a few minutes I realized this was no woman.  I had been bamboozled!  This was a man!  This man was dressing as a woman!  (I just bamboozled you into thinking I thought this was a woman the whole time.)

This man, or Michelle if she prefers, was seemingly having a good time and I did find it entertaining so I continued to watch.  As I watched it made me think about the transgender issues that are ongoing in our society at this moment.  I remembered watching Tootsie as a kid; it didn’t seem to spark a big debate.  I was a kid and debates about those types of things weren’t discussed with me or around my house to my knowledge.  Remember I was locked in the basement for 15 years, my opinions were not coveted.   I recall learning in school men would dress as women in the 1800’s during Shakespearean plays. (Yes, there was schooling in the basement.)  I wonder if there were whispers about those men who dressed up as women back in the 1800’s.  I did have to google a couple of things regarding transgender or “drag” to write this post.  Wikipedia had some good information, in my opinion, on the subject of drag and the history of it.  It turns out there were lots of movies that had men dressing up as women that I hadn’t noticed over the years, such as one of my favorite Christmas movies, White Christmas.  I had seen this before Tootsie and it never crossed my mind that this might be a ‘bad’ thing.

As I watched Michelle and thought about Tootsie and White Christmas,  I noticed a guest type in chat they were offended by Michelle.  Which leads me to say this: I am not going to enter a political war about transgender.  I have my opinions and you have yours.  Sometimes I miss the cellar and the protection it provided from political nonsense.

I also found myself wondering why would someone want to wear a bra?  I can’t wait to get mine off when I get home as do most women I think.

Will someone PLEASE make me stop.

So I pick up the mail and there is the monthly mini-catalog from Musician’s Friend and I toss it aside and go on with my day, fiddle-dee-dee. So a couple of hours later I sit down and open the catalog up and am making the “hmmm” and ‘hrrrummm” noises and on page 7, lower right hand corner I look, and then I look again, and then I turn a light on and look yet again… yeah, it does say Limited Edition George Harrison Tribute Telecaster, and that damn picture is of his Rosewood guitar… and those fuckers cost stupid money and you can’t get them any more and Rosewood is now officially on the UN shitlist for import/export and also this sentence is just getting ridiculously long. But yeah, the description calls it out as a solid Rosewood Tele, limited to 1,000 guitars world wide, for $2,500.

Now I got to explain some shit to some of you folks. Firstly, the original Rosewood Telecaster was hand made for George Harrison by Roger Rossmeisl in 1968. Fender made close duplicates of them available the following year and discontinued them in 1972. Since then, Fender has made a few limited edition runs of them; depending on the exactitude of the copying of the original, the retail price has varied from “slightly above a normal Telecaster” to “many thousands of your dollars”.

As best I can figure, Fender USA made the aforementioned original copies from ’69 to ’72. Fender Japan made them available starting at some point in the 1980s until ’94. Fender USA then made limited edition runs in 2007 and 2016. And now, in what will probably be the last run ever, they are making 1,000 more. Now you are gonna ask me “HandsomeMork, why for and how come do you say this will be the last run?” This will be the last run because of CITES.

CITES is the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Flora and Fauna. As of Jan 2, 2017, it is easier to move heroin across borders than it is to move Rosewood. The primary driver in getting Rosewood on the shitlist is the Communist Chinese furniture market. Rosewood furniture is hugely popular in China and the Chinese have a long history of ignoring international agreements when it suits them. There were specific types of Rosewood that were already restricted from international trade (specifically the Rosewood used to make their furniture), but they lied and prevaricated and forged documents stating that THIS batch of Rosewood was the non-restricted type of Rosewood and nothing to see here, move along, move along. The Chinese did this on such a large scale that the boom has been lowered. ALL Rosewood is now restricted from crossing borders without permits, paperwork, inspection certifications, etc (all these words are synonyms for “fees”).

Rosewood has pretty much always been THE wood of choice for guitar fretboards. Fretboards are fairly thin strips of wood that are glued to the face of the guitar neck and have the frets and fret markers inlaid in them. So when the new CITES rules went into effect, the guitar industry was immediately faced with several issues, and suddenly the Rosewood that the manufacturers had ON HAND became quite a bit more valuable. As an example, Fender is raising the price of all Rosewood fretboard guitars by $50 across the board.

Rosewood will still be available (especially Indian Rosewood, which has been a well maintained renewable resource for years), but there will be government paper work every step of the way (fees, fees, fees and more fees) so the cost of Rosewood is basically fixing to go way up. How much up? That is the $64 question. No one knows how much at this point, but there is no doubt it is going up.

So now we get back around to this Rosewood Telecaster. With the cost of Rosewood going up and the supply now subject to numerous government agencies across different countries, this looks to be the last run of these beautiful instruments that will carry the Fender name. To be sure, custom builders that have sufficient Rosewood on hand will be able to build you a one off, but the price tag will be positively brutal. Also, it won’t say “Fender” on it.

So to bring this back around to the beginning, I looked that the advertised price, muttered “wait just a minute” and walked to my office. A quick look at Ebay, Reverb and a couple of other sites confirmed what I thought: the last Fender reissue of these things are selling for 5 to 6K. So the “guitar math” on this one is pretty simple; go ahead and order this and when it gets here just put it in the back of the closet and wait a year. Profit.

If you want one, act right now. They will officially be released on August 22 and I suspect by then it will be too late.

Chipotle-Yogurt Chicken Kebabs and Street Corn

I’ve heard a rumor it’s hot in the summer.  This might be a fact rather than a rumor as it was hot today. Most everyone I talk to is saying it’s hot outside. What better way to keep the house cool than to grill, outside that is.  I’ve found that grilling inside is not only hot, but a little dangerous. It’s a bad idea; keep the grill outside.  I used my grill outside today to make chipolte-yogurt chicken kebabs and street corn.  Oh boy howdy was it good!  The bonus: I didn’t heat up the house.

I pull out my little black book.  No, not to call a man.  I have a little black book of my favorite recipes.  Most people have their grandmother’s and mother’s recipes in a little book of recipes or recipe cards.  Not me. My grandmother and mother couldn’t cook.  My little black book is full of different recipes I’ve collected from here and there.  I can’t recall where I’ve found these recipes and to clarify they are not my recipes because I am not experimental in the kitchen.

With that said lets get cooking!  Today is chipolte-yogurt chicken kebabs.  I also had some leftover corn on the cob that I didn’t use over during the week; I’m going to use it to make street corn.

 

 

Chipotle-Yogurt Chicken Kebabs

1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt

1 chipolte chile in adobo sauce, minced

1 large garlic clove, minced

1 tsp ground cumin

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

1 1/2 lbs chicken breast, cut into cubes

Mix all the ingredients and marinade for 1-2 hours.  I just dumped all the ingredients in a ziplock bag and mixed them while they are in the bag.  (Actually today I used chicken thighs, maybe I do experiment in the kitchen.  Look at me go!)  Skewer the chicken and grill until done.  I use metal skewers as I find they are easier for me; those wooden skewers give me splinters even after I soak them.

 

 

Street Corn

4 ears of corn, roasted

3 TBS mayo

2 tsp lime juice

2 TBSP cotija cheese (or feta)

1/2 tsp chili powder

1/4 tsp ground cumin

1/4 ground red pepper (or hot sauce)

1/8 tsp salt

Remove the corn off the cob and mix with all the other ingredients.  Food orgasm, seriously you gotta try it. I like mine warm so if my corn is cold I will warm it up.  This tastes just as good as the corn you get on the street.  To clarify, the corn tastes like it came from an elote (street corn) vendor on the street, not from the gutter.

 

Random thoughts

Pretzels. Why are they SO fucking addictive?

Turnip Greens. A strange name for what may be the best effects pedal in history.

Hooverphonic. The best band in the world you are not listening to.

Rule Seven. Why do some of you keep breaking it?

Psychology. Arguably the greatest scam EVER.

5.56×45 vs 7.62×51. This is such a no-brainer. Yet another bad decision made by Robert McNamara that we still have to live with.

 

 

Dildos in the sky

I’ve heard the universe gives you what you need;  apparently the people of Portland need sex. The universe has delivered to the residents of Portland dildos via power lines.  I don’t know about you but I find this not only interesting but shocking.  (see what I did there?) I had so many questions and thoughts. My mind ran in excitement of the dildos falling from the sky.

During a recent conversation I had with HandsomeMork, we stumbled across the topic of dildos.  I told him how a friend of mine received a box from amazon.  She, like most of us, was excited to get a package and ran inside to open it. She opened the box and, to her amazement, found a box of dildos of numerous sizes,  many different flavored lubricants, and many other adult items.  Let your imagination run wild on those other items.  She told me she was in shock and just stared into the box with horror.  I thought to myself, ‘why horror?’ That would be awesome to receive a box of adult toys. The best part was she didn’t pay for it! She stated she didn’t order them and needed to return them.  (Yeah right.)  She called amazon and had the items returned as they were ordered by the previous home owner (she had just moved into her new home) and he hadn’t changed his address on amazon.  After finding out the previous home owner was a man the other adult items in the box made more sense; oh the wheels in your head are turning aren’t they?

This conversation forced HandsomeMork to google ‘box of dildos.’  I thought he was going to order me a box of dildos; I wasn’t going to protest.  A news article caught his attention,  “Saga of hanging dildos…”  Such a curious title isn’t it?  The short version of the story is; box of dildos stolen, dildos found hanging from power lines.  You can find the news link here:

http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2015/07/box_of_dildos_were_stolen_from.html

This brings up so many questions for me!  Who would steal a box of dildos?  If caught, is it on your record that you stole a box of dildos?  Imagine the comments and jokes from your friends if you were caught stealing a box of dildos.  You readers know you would give your friend a hard time if they were charged with stealing a box of dildos.  You are currently thinking of the jokes you would tell your friend.

Soon after the dildos were stolen, dildos were found hanging from power lines much like an old pair of shoes. I’ve always heard shoes hanging from power lines means that’s where you can buy drugs.  What can you buy if it’s dildos instead of shoes?  Are the dildos used?  The news story doesn’t tell us if they were the stolen dildos, therefore it is possible that they are different dildos.  If they are used, will DNA tests be taken to find the rightful owner of the dildos?  If they do find the owners of said dildos will they post the photos of the owners online like they do with mugshots?  (That would be awesome.) Is this where dildos go to die? And my favorite question or thought: is this what happens when we throw away our dildos, the garbage man finds them and hangs them on the power line in order to shame ladies who threw the dildo away?  Does the universe know what size you need in order to satisfy you or is it a cruel joke?  Is it raining dildos in Portland? Am I a little freakish because I have so many questions? (Yes.)

As my mind races with questions, I find myself wondering about the men of Portland.  What is the reaction of men who realize that women can just pick up dildos on the street?  I find most women have dildos but are too embarrassed to talk about it. I’m unsure if men know how many women actually own dildos; now in Portland its easier to get a dildo.  Do the Portland men need to step up their game a little in the romance department?  Do single Portland men give up and move to another city to find unsatisfied women? What do men think of this? How many times can I type dildo?

My mind has gone into overdrive with this story.  I need a break.  I will go and relax. How do I relax? With my dildo.

 

 

 

 

 

Like me! Like me! Like me!

I remember as a child getting the ‘do you like me’ notes.  I never got those notes daily asking me to Like, Subscribe, Friend or Follow.  Sometimes I happen across a channel or page that I find interesting and will forget the name of it.  I will save it as a favorite or write it down.  The constant junking of my email of subscribed things has made reading my email intolerable, forcing me to make new email accounts.  Now I have so many fake email accounts for all the subscribery (it’s a word now) and following nonsense that I can’t remember all of my email accounts.  I blame old age for not remembering.  Maybe I should start blaming my alcohol consumption for killing my brain cells since that is “cooler.”   I digress.  The constant desire for people to be liked and racking up those like numbers is, in my opinion, an adult way to get a trophy for doing nothing.

A perfect example: I was recently informed of two channels on Ivlog that are feuding over likes and music.  (I must say that this is all third party information. It is possible I might have the story wrong.  I have changed the names to protect the innocent/guilty.)  I refer to this as a “feud” when in fact one side thinks it’s a feud and the other side thinks its hilarious, meaning one channel is upset and moronic, and the other channel doesn’t care and finds it pathetic yet humorous.  I will touch on the moronic first.

It is possible for two channels to play the same songs or musical genre.  Some people consider this stealing music while others would consider this enjoying the same types of music and songs.  Now on to my point.  Channel Uptight Corncobs (UC)  is upset with Channel No Fucks Given (NFG)  because NFG has more green thumbs or likes.  UC reminds their audience frequently to like the show whereas NFG doesn’t mention it unless it’s to thank an audience member for liking their show.  UC has made comments during UC’s broadcast regarding this feud, causing more drama than is needed.  UC needs to relax and remove the corncob from their derriere.  Life’s trophy isn’t the number of likes next to your name.  If it is, then I’m failing at life.

Maybe it’s my upbringing; being locked in a closet for 17 years has given me the mental capacity to not care if people like me or I have a number of people who push a button next to my name.  If I were in a sick and twisted movie where people voted to kill me or put me in the Hunger Games then I would care.  Last I checked, social media/broadcasting is not life threatening. I digress again.

To articulate my point, I think the constant desire to have fake people like you is foolish.  If you have friends who communicate with you, hopefully in a positive manner, then you are liked, maybe even loved.

 

Risky Business

Let’s go over some recent history together, just the two of us.

In the opening months of 2016, the users of Possibly The Biggest Steaming Pile of Horseshit of the Internet saw a lot of this:

This was Gout Boy’s none-too-subtle attempt to coerce the user base of his dodgy website to give him a monthly fee simply to view a handful of social deviants and the chance to watch re-runs of the Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory.

The rational behind that image implies that there is a Technical Issue that is keeping you from accessing the site (video servers are AT CAPACITY!), but the text on the image makes it clear that you can BUY YOUR WAY OUT of that Technical Issue.

Shockingly, he got next to no takers on his generous offer. Imagine that. Instead of paying into his blatantly obvious and truly pathetic shakedown scheme, the user base sought various means of getting around Gout Boy’s self-engineered “outages” or they simply left his site, never to return.

Best laid plans, eh, Gout Boy?

Now it appears that their sights have shifted and it is the streamers, the providers of the “entertainment” and the streamers of old television shows and movies that are being told to pony up, lest they fail to connect to one of the fabulously expensive ingest servers that cost a king’s ransom for the Tennessee Tycoons of the World Wide Web to rent every month.

Now being charitable and cautious, I am mildly amused by this new attempt to extort money out of the users of his mother’s website, but if I were to be placing any wagers on the outcome of this, I would bet the house, the kid’s college funds and the 401K that this is gonna fizzle out just as gloriously as the Great Video Servers Are At Capacity Scam of 2016.

Gout Boy, you ain’t Amazon. NO ONE, EVER, is going to pay you for a fucking premium account. You suck, your mom sucks, your website sucks. Your track record of delivering on promises sucks. Your ability to keep your site up and running sucks. That adds up to a metric assload of suckage.

I don’t know what’s wrong…

… but I know how to fix it.

Gout Boy, the genius coder and the smartest human being to ever live, currently reports that he is uncertain as to why his site is experiencing issues, however he does know the solution to these issues is YOU buying a VIP account.

I swear, I could not make this shit up.

Fly the Smelly Skies

It is reported in the news that a commercial airliner was forced (FORCED) to land at RDU on Sunday due to a passenger cutting the cheese at altitude.

Yes, a fart knocked an airliner right out of the sky. An ISIS spokesman praised Allah and claimed responsibility for the fart, stating that all future flights from the heretical western countries would be boarded by cabbage eating freedom fighters dedicated to bringing down and eradicating the corrupt blight of the Crusader airlines.

Fortunately, my fellow travelers of the airways, technology sallies forth to our rescue. Behold, the miracle that is the Fart Silencer. Not only does the fart silencer act to suppress the sound of anal emission, it can easily be adjusted to mask the odoriferous byproduct of the stinky poot. To quote from the linked article, “Users are also instructed to spray a cotton ball with their favorite perfume and put it into the “Fart Silencer” to eliminate any unwanted odor that might occur.”

People, we live in an age of miracles.